Fuck me up the ass with your hot teenage cock.

April 6, 2010 at 7:30 pm | Posted in Epic | 25 Comments

I am currently reading Jean Genet’s Querelle and, instead of yapping about how awfully spectacular the whole thing is like most people do, I will just post a list of the men that absolutely drive me crazy and make my pecker go… Let your imagination run wild, haha. This way, Jean Genet will be more pleased. Even with a thousands of compliments, I wouldn’t be able to do his novel Querelle any justice. This list is a tribute to Jean Genet, his incredible fixation on and fascination with bad boys, as well as eye candy for myself and the women and gays out there, wink. I just like my men the way Genet does his. Brawny, butch, well-built, hairy, lusty. Beefcakes, to be more precise.

I still don’t understand why most of the women I know prefer a bunch of Asian band losers (mostly Japanese and Korean) with unnatural, dyed hair, scrawny figures, and hideous choices in clothing. Not that I don’t find Asian men attractive, I do. A lot of them are pretty hot, Tony Leung Chiu Wai, Hiroshi Kawaguchi, Takeshi Kaneshiro, Andy Lau, to name a few I adore. But, excuse me, scrawny-looking and pale posers are not my thing.

I forced myself to limit the list to only 10 men, or we’ll be having a wild massive orgy here. I might not be as great with words as Jean Genet but I think I am still capable of at least getting some of my viewers horny, or in some cases, shocked and bewildered.

10. Christopher Gorham– The only valid reason to watch Popular and Ugly Betty: the hot dorky accountant. Why didn’t Betty choose him instead of the others? That, I’ll never know. Oh my, excuse me as I drool while carnivorously glaring at this shirtless picture of his. He’s my Superman. He can go wear his underwear over tight pants, for all I care, as long as he always comes to the rescue every night, if you know what I mean. I have this thing for geeks (I am one myself), even the skinny ones. And if every geek looked the way Christopher Gorham looks like in Ugly Betty, then I am all for geekdom. Sexual fantasy with him? I know you didn’t ask but I’ll say it anyways. In my sex dreams, he has his eyeglasses on, he’s on top (for him, I might just make an exception), he’s buck naked with only his necktie on and while he fucks me, I keep pulling him by his tie. Oh my, I’m about to cum.

9. Terence Stamp (1960s-1980s)- I know, I know. Not a very flaterring picture from such an Adonis but most of the images of him in the Internet either are of him in his old age or don’t give his charms and looks any justice. In the film Teorema, he portrays a mysterious bisexual stranger who seduces all the members of a bourgeois family, as well as the maid, and suddenly disappears after managing to allure them all. He can always play the exotic stranger with me even if it means him suddenly leaving and me going all cuckoo due to my unrequited desire for him. In the film The Collector, he is a psychopathic butterfly collector who suddenly imprisons a woman he’s been stalking. Pretty fucked-up shit, but Terence Stamp as eye candy makes it somewhat bearable. For him, I can be the sex prisoner and we can have all these sadomasochistic games as long as we take turns and I also get to play the master. Oh, that British accent of his.

8. Henry Fonda as Charles Pike in the film The Lady Eve– His orgasmic state while his cheek leans against Barbara’s cheek just makes me want to cum. My dreamboy, of course, is someone who can be passive only whenever I want him to, someone like Charles Pike in The Lady Eve. This is of course the film that I wished I would have made. I’ll be Barbara Stanwyck’s character. I’ll try to torture him mercilessly by, you know, leaving him at the moment when he gets all horny and play games with him where I’m always the one in control. Tease him, gently stroke his hair, push my cheek against his, talk all dreamily, and suddenly tell him to sleep it off, hahaha. I’m sadistic like that. Just watch this video, and you’ll see what I mean. This is, for me, the sexiest scene ever put into screen.

7. Jack Wrangler– “Getting it up, getting it on, getting it off. Man, it’s beautiful.” Of course, this list will be no list without at least one name of a porn star. And Jack Wrangler just perfectly suits the bill. He’s gay, he’s manly, he’s fucking gorgeous, the bod is just heavenly, and he did gay and straight vintage porn for a living. Now, what a catch. Too bad, he gone all hetero on us and decided to marry a woman. But, hey, I won’t go being all judgmental; it was his life. Apparently, during the 1970s and 1980s, he was such an icon and he also gave this positive and masculine homosexual image to gay guys who just wanted to get it off at the dark room and who were also still in the closet. Now, Jack Wrangler circa 1970s-1980s, take off that work shirt and let’s get it on. Only you will be able to pull off those cheesy porn one-liners.

6. Nick Zinner of the band Yeah Yeah Yeahs-Yes, you might argue that he’s pale and bony but I say that’s what makes him so smexy. See, I am also capable of finding someone who is not well-built and conventionally handsome physically attractive, as you’ll find out from my past real-life crushes. I don’t have such unrealistic ideals and standards, after all. Nick Zinner’s also sure got style. He’s not a poser like those guys in those J-pop/K-pop bands. Unnatural hair color is such a turn-off. We’re not wannabes here, please. Come on, just look at that messy hair and those luscious lips. It is as if he’s almost pouting (oh, I faint) as he plays that guitar tool. Oh, if only he can play with something else…

5. Zachary Quinto– Yes, to unshaven men with hairy chests and thick eyebrows. The more hair, the better. To everyone who keeps picking on me because of my thick eyebrows, thick eyebrows can be pretty hot too. They are what’s it now, ya know. No, I am not into psychopaths. I am into hairy, geeky, well-built, psychotic people though. I’ll just rip his T-shirt off. Let him blow me with his unshaven face and facial hair. Oh, that sure tickles. Suck his nipples off. And just let him fuck me until he comes. Ahhh… I really do need to get laid as soon as possible. Watch the humorous scene where he and another straight guy suddenly kiss each other due to the scorching heat in the sauna and the mere fact that they’re both naked. Haha, pretty sexy with Zachary Quinto being all sweaty and with that chest hair. Yum.

4. Denis Lavant– Again, I couldn’t find any image of him that really shows his extraordinarily great looks. By extraordinary, I do mean unique and one-of-a-kind. He’s not exactly attractive if you’re thinking in conventional Hollywood standards but there’s something about him that I find hot and adorable. He obviously caught all my attention in his films Beau Travail, Mauvais Sang and Les Amants du Pont-Neuf. French films, ftw. Why should his character in Beau Travail lust over a fugly skinhead when he can lust over me instead since at least I can reciprocate his feelings? Those grooves on the dance floor + unique face structure + those flexing muscles + those gymnastic moves= a fucking god in bed. Now let’s get our groove on to the tune of Corona’s Rhythm of the Night.

3. Rock Hudson– The only reason to wish I was Doris Day or Jane Wyman, to be opposite the star Rock Hudson, to be the other half of the love team with him, to have those countless screen kisses with him. Oh, what Hollywood bliss. There’s really nothing sexier than sexually repressed and closeted gay men in the 20th century. What’s not to love? That hairstyle he sports, the overall cowboy look and feel, the all-American man, all masculine and wholesome, who is apparently gay which just completely destroys this whole idea of masculinity, the existence of a “real man” and the American myth. Hah!

2. Coco Martin– TWINK INVASION!!! Since he seems like the average boy next door and he’s now pretty much the toy of the Filipino commercial industry, in my sick sex fantasies he’s my prisoner. He’s all naked in chains and bondage, and I’m the dominatrix. He’ll be the one whom I’ll punish for all the misogyny in this world. And when he gets all pouty and all, I wouldn’t be able to resist and we’ll just have gentler sex. Now, if only he didn’t ruin his acting career by succumbing to the inevitability of great Filipino actors and actresses on signing contracts with either GMA or ABS-CBN and starring in trashy, not even campy, drama or sitcom shows during highest peak of their career, everything would have been better and his career wouldn’t have gone down the drain. He should have stuck to those gay-themed and independent Filipino films. His films with director Brillante Mendoza were great. He was better when he was gay-for-pay.

1. Behold the most beautiful of them all, Brad Davis as the titular character in the film Querelle. A pickpocket. A drug-dealer. A lustful murderer. A closeted gay man. An amoral and narcissistic sailor who is willing to have it in the ass in a steamy and suffocating environment. Amorality and crime have never been this sexy. Sign me up as a sailor, and I’ll never set foot on land again with Brad Davis in his seductive sailor suit always around. I have discovered my fetish for men in sailor suits after watching the film Querelle. I am practically the character Lieutenant Seblon who secretly lusts for Georges Querelle, trying to implicitly show that I care for him whilst not easily revealing those repressed feelings.