Don’t bring around a cloud to rain on my parade

June 24, 2010 at 11:55 pm | Posted in Doki Doki | 28 Comments

Okay, I can’t keep this to myself any longer. I wanted to keep this a secret at first but I got to thinking that we’re not exactly doing anything wrong. If this were to be a different case, something that has happened the way it normally does, I would have posted about it in my blog in a heartbeat, as soon as I said yes. But that is not the case. And I wouldn’t say that I’m happy about how much I have changed over these past few weeks, but at least I can say that I’m happy about what we have.

Yes, I have a boyfriend. The only problem is, the whole thing’s online.

I know what you’re thinking; I can already see the nasty expressions, those raised eyebrows, those eyes twirling about, those malicious smirks, of yours. Well, let me get your hands on you and I’mma poke you in the eye and erase that silly grimace off your face.

He’s all mine, baby. And, I know, this might not be the conventional and normal way to meet a person, especially one whom you feel attracted to and whom you possibly hope of spending the rest of your life with but I have never been into following social norms, conformity. And being the socially awkward person that I am, maybe meeting someone online have been all along the best way for me to meet someone else, especially in this time and age where almost everyone puts too much importance on making everything easily accessible and upgrading almost everything instead of on real human progress. Wait, I’m ranting again, hehe. And I never did like the gay social scene, or any other social scene or gathering for that matter, not that I don’t want to try it anytime sooner. But it just feels so impersonal to me.

And we’re going to have to put it in the record that, yes, he was the one who stalked me. Not in a maniacal and obsessive sort of way, of course, but just the way one does when one seems to be interested in another. A bit creepy at first for me, I admit, but now he seems to be sincere and sweet, despite his initially creepy methods of pursuing me.

I can’t help feeling I’m becoming sappy and mushy, exactly what I was afraid of turning into when I start entering a relationship. Yes, that must be what I’ve become during these past few weeks but don’t think that you’ve finally gotten rid of my stubbornness, bluntness, cockiness and all those oh-so-lovable traits of mine altogether at all. They’re still here to stay.

Common sexual perversions aside, we have absolutely nothing in common but you know what they say, opposites attract. Okay, we’re of the same sex, but that’s not what I meant, you idiot. But we can easily set aside these differences and find some common ground. I can be the snobbish and cranky kind, while he can be the jealous and demanding type but we’re manageable. We only get to talk to each other online or through voice calls but I almost feel like I’ve known him for a lifetime. And I feel that I can be open with him and share and do things with him that I won’t be able to do comfortably with someone else I’ve actually known in real life for years.

It’s scary, this kind of thing. The uncertainty. You just have to trust the other. You just have to wait. All this time you put into it, you hope it won’t be of any waste at all. A lot say, long-distance and/or online relationships don’t work. Even I used to say that myself, due to the impracticality and the obvious lack of physical contact. And I know it’s too early to say this, but we can make it through. This is what we have now, and, although this may be a bit pathetic to some, I don’t think I’ve ever been this pleased in my life before.

And, yes, I’m looking at you, John Vincent “Jayvie” Distor ūüėÄ =O.



May 28, 2010 at 3:41 pm | Posted in Angst, Doki Doki | 18 Comments

Yuppies. Taxes. White supremacists. Tweety the bird. Injustice. TV, the idiot box. Facebook stupidities.¬†Corporations. Asian boy bands. Rednecks. The word “bitch”, you misogynistic cunts. Bigots (JC’s favourite word, haha). Old-fashioned beliefs. Cliches. Stereotypes.¬†Groupies. Hardcore Beatniks. Capitalists. Donald Trump, I want him dead. Filipinos worshipping Americans. People on the North beating baby seals as a sport(!). Herd mentality. Colonial mentality. Conformists. Consumerism. Che Guevara T-shirts. Quentin Tarantado Tarantino. Machismo. Patriarchy. Dad getting all worked up over and complaining about small stuff. Snobbish bourgeoisie. Materialistic people. Brands. This copyrighting business.¬†Over-ambitious people. Plastic surgeries. Girls passing off as bisexuals for the pleasures of their boys. Twilight fans. Heterosexual public displays of affection. Mainstream multiplexes. Impersonal parties. Excessive make-up. Annoying sound of high heels on hard surfaces. Superficiality. Chihuahuas as fashion accessories. Mainstream culture. Endless tributes to dead celebrities, ehem, Michael Jackson, ehem. Meaningless holidays. People who go use public washrooms and don’t wash their hands, yuck. Misleading advertisements. Ads defacing women and treating them as sex objects. Kalabasa. Small talk. Class clowns. Trying so hard to¬†be funny and to cheer people up. Sexist, homophobic or racist¬†jokes.¬†Pretentious art. Posers, wannabes, “gangsters”. Loud music on cars. Sports.

Stories. Fantasy fiction, science fiction. Sylvester the cat. Bubble wrap. Light rain. Crumpling paper bags. Floating on water, facing towards the sky. Curling myself¬†underwater.¬†Polaroid pictures. Downtown. Breakfast. The smell of baked goods. Sugar cubes.¬†Old video games. The normal thumping of the heart. The feeling of my body against the wind. Underground video stores. The occasional bondings with my sister. Dad’s love of plants. Mom’s excessive worrying. People’s little quirks. Morning orgasms. Old letters from friends. Reminiscing. Hearing or remembering old songs you haven’t¬†listened to¬†in a long time. Various accents. Cinematic gestures. Musicals. Gay icons. Joan Crawford. The crisp and color of autumn leaves. Huskies. Baby penguins. Baby seals. Watermelon slushies. Vinni-Pukh. Silent fall of snow. Northern lights, I wanna see it. Black-and-white films. Foreign languages. Old film posters. Cheesy gay¬†porn lines. Old-fashioned trains, I find them romantic. Unintentional humour. Schadenfreude, look it up.¬†Campy films. Armpit fetishes. Homoeroticism in films and novels. Tight leather. Natural body smells. Male bodies drenched in sweat, oh yeah. Cup noodles. Daredevil rides. Intellectuals. Revolutionaries. Meaningful conversations. Just eating out with friends. Counterculture. Cinematheque Ontario. Socialism, Marxism, communism, feminism, liberalism. Fred Astaire tap dancing. Friday movie nights, I miss them. Bumming out. Groucho Marx. Buster Keaton. Day-offs. Skipping school. Spirituality, not organized religion. Musicals.

Despite all the ugliness in this world, it’s really the small things that make living worthwhile.

The Green Ray

April 12, 2010 at 3:07 pm | Posted in Doki Doki | 9 Comments

To those who aren’t familiar with this phenomena, this green ray, green flash, apparently can only be seen by the human eyes, momentarily,¬†for only a second or two, before sunrise or after sunset. It is¬†always at the tip of the sun.¬†It can only be visible at clear horizons, preferably from ocean views. And I guess, the day must also be clear without any fog or clouds obstructing the view. If you want to get all scientific and know more about it, look it up. That’s what Google is for. And no matter how many people say Wikipedia is unreliable, it’s pretty useful for easy and quick information.

And how do I know and where the fuck did I learn about this green ray? From the movies, of course. That’s basically where all my basic knowledge about life and all that comes from, haha. I learned¬†about this green flash specifically from the film, The Green Ray. Duh. The film’s also, like, one of my favorite films of all time. By all time, I mean all time (cinematic-wise, that would be from the 1890s to the present)¬†. And apparently, this phenomena is also a major theme in a French novel named, yes you’ve guessed it, The Green Ray which the film refers to during¬†the conversation overheard by the heroine that will lead to her eventual decision to search for the green ray.

And before I die (hopefully not anytime sooner) even if it means going to the ends of the earth, I plan to see it among other things. I want to see the northern lights as well. Boy, that must be a pretty romantic sight to behold. And I expect that I’ll cry my heart out after viewing such an extraordinary sight. It’d be too overwhelming not to cry.¬†Heck, I might even cry before seeing these out¬†of my¬†overexcitement and anticipation.

And one of my reasons for planning to see it is due to how the film romanticizes the whole phenomena, that the characters in the film seem to believe that upon seeing the green ray one would be able to completely understand one’s own feelings as well as others’. That we’d gain heightened perception of things. I’m not superstitious but I tend to romanticize a lot of things. Maybe,¬†my plan to see this green ray is¬†more of the journey to one’s self, my search for something that would be able to clarify everything or make such a life-changing experience for me, my desire to see something out-of-this-world, something grand and of other worldly proportions. Something beneath my grasp, okay, okay, I think you already got the point by now.

And it doesn’t help that I can actually relate to the heroine of the film.¬†She must be my film counterpart. She wallows in self-pity and is depressed about the way things are in her life. The people around her don’t seem to get her, and she seems bored of her life. She is advised by her friends to go out there and meet more people to finally find the man of her life.

At the climactic point, she does encounter a complete stranger who’s a cutie. They just so happen to meet at the station and, risking everything, both of them just suddenly feel the urge to talk to each other. They don’t bump into each other, nothing like that. They just¬†decide to talk¬†to each other and sooner or later¬†they feel¬†this connection between them. Then when everything isn’t that certain, they go walk by the ocean as they wish to see the green ray. And right before the sun finally sets, they get to momentarily see the green ray to their utmost joy. A moment of triumph and hope for the both of them.¬†I just want to have that as well.

I can be all so cutesy and lovely too…?

March 20, 2010 at 2:24 am | Posted in Doki Doki | 12 Comments

You probably get a sour and bitter aftertaste after each time you visit my blog. So, I shall prove that I am not always exactly doom and gloom. Now’s the time for me to be all sugary and cuddly.

And what’s a better way to show my affection for cute stuff other than…. Vinni-Pukh!?

Ta-da! Russia’s version of Winnie the Pooh!

Isn’t this way cuter than the Disney cartoon? Isn’t Piglet the cutest pig ever? The Disney animation of Winnie the Pooh is just too cutesy for me. Even I didn’t like it as a kid.

I found, and still find, the titular character so irritating. Pooh will do everything to acquire honey. Prioritizing food over friendship. Never ultimately punished for his impulsive, selfish and greedy behavior. Always involving poor Piglet into some trouble.

Sure, in real life people can easily get away with bad deeds and usually never get what they ultimately deserve in the end but, hey, Disney’s Winnie the Pooh is a cartoon, okay? And a Disney cartoon that is popular with all the kids in the world, to top that. Kids need to learn the sense of right and wrong. The spoiled brats, getting all pampered up by the cartoons they watch…. I blame Disney for everything evil in this world.

No wonder the Americans, as well as other powerful nations, with their supposedly good motives and intentions go stealing other people’s land and resources, without feeling any guilt or regret over their actions, just the way Winnie the Pooh, with his cute and cuddly exterior, can easily steal honey from the bees. Hah!

If the rumors are true, I ought to thaw Walt Disney’s body on ice and let his soulless body go through the tortures that he probably deserved during his lifetime. Being such an evil influence and pampering and spoiling the kids. He still haunts us with his Disney productions.

Oh my gosh, I’m, like, going back to being the paranoid and cynical freak that I am. Now, now, there, there. Let’s go back to being all sugary and sweet and dispel all the negative thoughts. All beautiful and lovely thoughts. Rainbows. Butterflies. Gummi bears. Penguins. Nude hunks. Penises. Mmm…

Now, back to Vinni-Pukh. I order you to watch the actual short film, Vinni-Pukh. It’s only 10 minutes of cutesiness awesomeness.¬† If you don’t like it, then you must be dead inside :P.

Sure, the Russian version of Winnie the Pooh is still a prick, Piglet a pushover, and Eeyore a bore but it’s Russian! And it’s a less saccharine version of the original without the annoying voices of the Disney characters.

Gaga over Lady GaGa

March 12, 2010 at 1:23 am | Posted in Doki Doki | 14 Comments

She’s the queen of pop now, Madonna. Madonna, we love you and all but it’s about time you gave the title, with the matching crown, to Lady GaGa, who is more than worthy of the title. Okay, listening to Lady Gaga is not a guilty pleasure of mine anymore because I admit it without any shame or regrets!

If you have been actually reading my posts, you would notice that I constantly refer to Lady GaGa (and her infinite words of wisdom). I was going to categorize this post as Music but her music is so close to my heart that I just had to classify this as Doki Doki (which is the sfx of the beating of the heart in Japanese). Lady GaGa really makes my heart beat and go Rah-rah-ah-ah-a, if you know what I mean XD.

Haha, I know you might be thinking that I’m just joking. Well, I am not. Okay, half-joking. Sure, her music is obviously not the most profound and most beautiful music out there but what did you expect from real-good mainstream music? Teachings? Insights? It’s not exactly going to stir different emotions within you but it’s something to dance to, even though you have two left feet, when you’re just sitting pretty at home. I can dance stupidly in front of my family but, even amongst friends, I can not, hahaha. They even have to persuade me to sing.

I know JC/Vajarl is going to get a kick out of this but I used to listen to boy bands and Spice Girls when I was a kid. Okay, okay, I admit it. I’m not denying it anymore. So what? I was a kid for goodness’ sake. I didn’t know what other crap to listen to, other than what I usually heard from the car’s boom box. LADY GAGA IS MY “BOY BAND” NOW. ūüėÄ

And her gimmicks, oh <3. My heart goes faster. Only she could get away with and still look good on those out-of-this-world outfits. She knows what the masses want. They want someone to ridicule. So, she does those gimmicks. For her audience, the whole world. It doesn’t ruin her reputation. On the contrary, it just strengthens her image. Guys, you can parody and make fun of her all you want but she’s not going anywhere. She’s here to stay, and she just cashes in more as you go make those horrible spoofs. Hah!

And about the rumors of her being a tranny, so what if Lady GaGa is? If she really is (which I don’t think is the case), does it really matter? Are people that transphobic? Is there no limit to our society’s intolerance? You claim to be very open-minded and liberal and yet you go all defensive when someone you claim to like and find attractive is revealed or rumored to be gay/lesbian/bi/transexual. Big fucking deal, as if the chances of her/him getting in your pants, or even hooking up with you, were not very slim in the first place.

Bless God and the gays!

Reasons as to why I still have no significant other.

February 16, 2010 at 9:21 pm | Posted in Doki Doki | 7 Comments

Post-Valentine’s day whining and contemplating. Again, I am not craving for your sympathy or wallowing in self-pity. I am only listing for myself reasons, as well as excuses, as to why I am still alone and have no love prospects. Hey, if you can freely post all of your icky photos in Facebook with your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/spouse/whatever just to brag about it and to show that there’s somebody there that actually loves you, despite your idiocy and superficiality, and childishly talk so much about how marvelous your V-day was with your significant other that a lot of us puked (as if anybody fucking cared or asked), I can complain about why I am still alone and still have no experience in the matters of romance while you do.

* It’s just tough luck. There is no such thing as coincidence or fate in this life. There’s only luck. Either you have that or you don’t. It’s that painfully simple. And if there was fate, it could just easily knock on my door and all I had to do was just open it. Some douchebags have it easy. They meet their partners during high school, or even at an earlier stage of life. They are what we call, excuse me as I barf, childhood sweethearts or high school sweethearts.

Of all the kinds of lovers, I find the childhood sweethearts the most annoying. First of all, they have their work cut out for them. They don’t have to worry about ending up being bachelors/bachelorettes for the rest of their lives. They don’t have to go through the agony and awkwardness of flirting, finding potential partners, etc. For short, they are lucky. What do they have in common? In most cases, none. It just so happens that their parents were close friends since they were young, both of them were in the same classes, they ended up being seatmates most of the time, or the guy is usually stubborn, eager and pigheaded while the girl convinces herself that he is the guy for him, out of fear that she will never find anyone else. Huh, and they call me a pathetic loser.

* I am extremely picky and have high standards. From the song of the very be-you-tee-ful gay-friendly goddess Lady GaGa, “Cause I do not accept any less than someone just as real, as fabulous”. Of course, she’s talking about how she doesn’t want “no paper gangsta” (a fake) for a lover but you get my point. I may come off as superficial but the way I see it, looks shouldn’t be a plus; it must be a must. Beauty is relative. It’s not absolute. I don’t expect an Adonis, a man who seems like he was just made out of marble and carved like a beautiful Greek man, to be the one whom I can spend the rest of my life with. Looks fade over time, and those muscles are going to be flabby when he grows old, woman. But I want someone whom I do find at least attractive, if not hunky and beautiful according to Hollywood and fashion standards. If he’s prettier than me, now that’s going to be the plus.

Of course, I am not that shallow. Like I said, I do have high standards. This man of mystery and still unknown whereabouts (I’m calling out to you) must not be a philistine. He must not be materialistic, possessive and shallow. He doesn’t have to like the things I love. But at the very least, he must love good books, films, art and music. If possible, he should have better tastes than me. Of course, once in a while, guilty pleasures can be excusable and overlooked. Maturity is a must, but childish pursuits and interests are okay with me as long as they’re minimal. I do have my own childish hobbies and interests myself. Cynicism, sarcasm, non-conformity and a bit of bitterness are crucial, but not mandatory as I don’t want my own doppelganger sleeping with me. That’s narcissism. And the rest are the usual stuff: he can be someone who has a sense of humor and laugh at the little things, whom I can easily talk to, whom I can argue with about politics and films among other things, yada-yada and all that corn.

* I’m way too good for them. Delusions of grandeur or narcissism, perhaps, but at least I’m being blunt and never go acting humble, saint-like and all that shit. I definitely could do better. I don’t want to just go hump the first guy who flirts with me. Though, I still have yet to have a flirt encounter. Maybe, I’m not that attractive? Nah, they probably just can’t tell.

* My friends’ friends aren’t gay. Neither are my friends, unfortunately. Then again, most of the guys aren’t my type anyways. Let’s face it, that’s usually how we meet our significant others. Through friends or other acquaintances. I am guessing that I am one of the very few gay people they know, or at least one of the gay ones that are out of the closet. I just say, come out, come out wherever you are. Just leave your girlfriend, show that you’re as fabulous as she is, and tell me that you’re a fellow sis-tah. You’re only fooling yourself. So, my friends, I order you to go out there and find him for me; this will make my work easier for me. It’s the best you can do after all the homophobic jokes and ignorant comments you have thrown at me.

You know how women say all the great men are either gay or taken? Why doesn’t this seem to be the case in my situation? When I meet or encounter someone hot and worth a glance, they usually have that sense and look that they can’t wait to get into the pants of their girlfriends as they seem ready to devour their girlfriends’ faces. And when I meet someone whom I think is gay, they either are taken or, you know, look like fiendish apes.

* I need to get off my fucking seat and go out there and find him; he’s not going to give you hints or knock on your door anytime soon because you must do the work yourself, dammit. See, I am capable of knowing my own shortcomings without you telling me. But I like to be the one being approached. At least, it will give me the illusion that it was fate and that we were meant to be. At times, I can be pretty romantic, or probably just plain delusional. It’s the same way I am with my friends. I am rarely the one who approach them. They were usually the ones who tried to talk with me and I slowly learned to get to know them and love them for who they are. Awwwww, cheesy. That of course explains the fact that I have only a few close friends. Not to mention, that I am very introverted and shy.

But where to find him? And first and foremost, how to easily determine if one is gay, without going on circles or directly asking him? At the gay community downtown? I’d probably be a laughingstock, as I’m probably not what most of them are looking for in a man. Cruising? Do they still do that? It’s not the 1970s or 1980s anymore. Online dating? I always thought I’d never get myself caught dead using that thing but I have to no avail. At gay bars and other gay social clubs? I’m not much of a partygoer and I never dance in public, for fear of ridicule and embarrassment. I do unabashedly at home to disco and dance songs you can’t ever admit to liking. For now, I’ll just wait patiently and just let life take its course.


Out of topic. I am currently catching up listening to some of the supposedly the best singles of the decade according to the staff of Slant Magazine. And I can’t believe how I am only familiar with most of the hiphop and RnB stuff here and I haven’t listened to most of them. Yes, my taste in music sucks, as I could be satisfied to listening to Mika or Lady GaGa or other pop songs all day without trying anything new, but I fucking make up for it with my badass taste in movies, fool. What do you think about Slant Magazine’s Best of the Aughts: Singles? And while you’re at it, check their Best of the Aughts: Films. Overall, it’s great and does know its world cinema although I loathe some of the choices. I could take all day talking about that films list.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ Zero is awesome.

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