Go, Go, Second Time Student

June 2, 2010 at 11:19 am | Posted in Self-importance | 22 Comments

“Yet a fear remained, which for all his clarity of mind he could not yet examine. He knew it was there. He felt his presence as surely as one feels the menace of a nearby flame; yet he could not turn to it and acknowledge it.”

(Cry to Heaven by Anne Rice)

In plain English, I’m scared shitless.

I don’t know what having no shit has to do with being frightened, the phrase really makes no sense, but I guess that’s the only way to express how extremely scared I am. For the future, that is.

I’ve just been accepted to University of Toronto. That’s what I call skills, boy. Haha. Hopefully, they were impressed by my grades. But being the cynical and realistic person that I am, I’m guessing that they have lowered their standards just so they can fill in the empty spots in the program. But this is great, since I can just easily get to school on a bike. And if I walked, it would probably only take me about 30 minutes. Sayonara, unreliable public transportation.

This means we’re now going to take it more seriously, from here on, kiddo. Now you listen, you have to reduce the number of films you watch in a week. From about 15 films a week to 2-3 films a week. I know that’s eventually going to drive you nuts especially from the tons of reading and studying you’ll be doing, but you’re also going to have to fit in exercise, blogging, reading novels, and part-time work in your tight schedule. So much for my almost non-existent social life. So Chris, you’ll probably be a mental case by the end of the school year then. But that’s okay, at least you’ll have satisfactory grades?

We’re entering a more competitive environment this time; I can already feel the almost wildlife-like atmosphere at the university, people preying on one another, leeching on another for selfish interests, and doing everything to get the juicy prey, the job, the reward. Not that this is any different from a community college, but this time we’re dealing with more ambitious people and people who actually have the brains. You heard me.

I never liked uncertainty. That’s why I probably chose something more practical before. How foolish I was back then. My past self has failed to realize that I can’t stomach being in an office all day long, working on the computer, with a bunch of yuppies and capitalists for workmates. I can’t imagine being a slave to this capitalist system of ours. And for a measly amount of $10.50-$16.00 / hour. No thank you. To hell with it, I am just going to be a psychologist, with a majority of upper-class and bourgeoisie clients, and blame their unhappiness, dissatisfaction in life and feelings of having no purpose to their consumerist habits, willingness to accept everything for what it is without questioning it, and the hellish impact of mainstream culture and capitalist propaganda on their lives and their puny heads. Bohahahaha.

We’re entering unfamiliar territory now. Prepare yourself for those tyrannical teachers and megalomaniac students who will look down on you. They’ll be torturing you not physically but with their fake smiles, annoying small talk and unyielding conformity to social norms. We’re putting in a lot of money here, and the student loans are just going to accumulate year by year, not to mention the fiendish interests. And you don’t even like owing someone any amount of money for a long period of time. No more tomfoolery. You have already gotten rid of the idea that maybe you might have some creative inclinations in you for the possibilities of pursuing something like journalism and film studies. You just don’t. You weren’t given at least that. It’s not practical, what you’re pursuing. It requires more effort, wait, even twice the work for you since English is still not a language you’ve fully mastered. But you can’t imagine yourself doing anything else. If it means a lot of questioning and hesitations from almost everyone else you know, so be it. We’ll make it.

Go, go, second time virgin student.