No, everything’s not okay.

April 3, 2010 at 1:44 pm | Posted in Melancholia | 9 Comments

Wow, I just cried myself out at the end of the film An Affair to Remember. Cary Grant, you never fail to tug my lonely heartstrings. I know, you were already old during the 1950s but you still had that good ol’ charm you had had during your His Girl Friday and Only Angels Have Wings times. Indeed, I am such a sap for old romantic films. Usually, I just can’t help myself but smile the whole time. I cried my heart out watching The Ghost and Mrs. Muir and Two for the Road. And my hopes were uplifted by the likes of Funny Face and my heart crushed by Brief Encounter and Letter from an Unknown Woman.

Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories. And we’ve already missed the spring.

Maybe, I needed those waterworks. It made me feel a whole lot better. Considering how the film becomes a tad too melodramatic for my taste by the second half, maybe everything that has (and has not) been going on in my life partially had something to do with my crying all over a sudden in the end. The ending, of course, is too perfect. The way Nickie (Cary Grant) found out about the… The way Terry (the lovely Deborah Kerr) tried to keep it all in for Nickie… It was all just too great but I got to thinking that, given a different place and time watching it, maybe I wouldn’t have cried that much and maybe it wouldn’t have affected me that much the way it did yesterday. And I’m usually numb and heartless.

I did need the cry. Things haven’t been going the way I wanted them to. It’s the same thing every fucking day. I am still regretting the decisions I have made in the past. The consequences are now slowly taking their form, beginning to rear their ugly heads. I rarely go out with my closest friends; our their busy lives may have something to do with it but I just feel like we’re slowly drifting apart. Whenever I have someone to talk to, it’s usually I who does all the listening while they do all the talking. Seldomly, the other way around. Of course, life will never go the way I want it to, not with the kind of luck I have, but at least give me some reassurance and something someone to keep me going. Forgive me for I wallow in depression and self-pity but, hey, I rarely post stuff like this. And I just need to let it out.

I have made the wrong choices. Now, I’m stuck with what I have chosen. Practicality preferred over passion is never a good thing. I am suddenly reminded of the horrifying final scene in Il Posto, when the young hero innately realizes that he’ll be doing all this office work for the rest of his life.

Yes, you say I’m too young. You say that I still have time. But how about the three years I have wasted? You say I’m too young but, the little things I ask for, others already had at the age of 15, 16, 17, 18. Still counting the years, still waiting. What if I never left the Philippines? Would things have gone better for me? What if I chose that instead of this? What if I just seized the moment instead of waiting passively for the time to come? What if I just went against the tides instead of going along with its flow? Then again, that’s not my way of doing things. I guess, there’s no point in contemplating on what I can never change and go back to.

Too envious of all the things that other people have. Talent, skill, intelligence, character, luck, love, more opportunities. Is it too much to ask to have at least one of those? Even if it’s just love? Is that too much to ask? Maybe I shouldn’t be comparing myself too much to others and what they have but wouldn’t you feel the same if all the people you know are getting along better off than you are, getting way ahead of you, while you are still not even there yet?

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  1. =(

    i feel for you. i wouldn’t try to give comforting words like everything’s gonna be okay, or look at the brighter side of life, cause I know just how you feel… well not exactly how you feel, but I can relate to most of what you said here, especially that part where you always do the listening, while your friends all do the talking.

    ***
    but hey, judging from what I’ve read from you, I think you have the talent, skill, intelligence and character. =)

    • I didn’t need the comfort. I just needed at least someone to read the whole thing. That’s enough to comfort me :D. Thanks.
      I dunno, I might be a strange character, hehe, but I am not great at anything specific. Maybe, I don’t try out things too much but I always wanted to have something I can do naturally without any real effort like others do.

  2. You mentioned a lot of films and I am only familiar with Funny Face. Why do you have to be such a movie geek? Lol.

    I keep on telling you to go back and visit us here so that we both will have an excuse to go out with all of our friends almost everyday. I hate staying at home. I live with idiots and assholes. I need to get away from here.

    Did you really have a choice? I mean, when you were about to leave the country back then, were you asked by your parents if you wanted to stay? Like if you did, would they have allowed you to stay?

    And why be envious of the talent, skill, intelligence, and character of others? You have your share of those. Everyone has the right to be envious when it comes to love and luck though since those are the things that awesome people don’t get born with. Too bad for us for being awesome. Haha.

    • I actually feel so awesome whenever I get to refer to great films that most aren’t familiar with, bohahaha. I am cocky like that.

      No, I wasn’t actually given a choice. We were supposed to go to Canada as a family. I was given a choice to postpone it for a week or two but I didn’t want that. It was painful enough. I do regret not going to the prom though especially after seeing all your pictures and whatnot.

      I dunno. I just get envious when I see other people doing better because of their talent, social/interpersonal skills, and character. It seems that the only way to get through life and do well in this world is to have those. You are no good and will not go anywhere if you’re an introvert, a sociable person, one with no ambition, one with no character.

      Find another excuse to hang out frequently with the others. Don’t you get to go out with Kathleen at least once in a while?

      • Not as much as we used to. All of us seem busy these days. Well, I actually am not that busy but I have different schedules so.

  3. Una kong napanood ang remake na Love Affair ni Warren Beatty at Annette Bening. Agos din ang iyak ko dun. Tsaka ko hinalungkat sa CDs ni Mamita (nanay ko) yung An Affair To Remember. Argh lalo akong naiyak na may kasama ng sipon. Siguro mga 5 years ako na ito. Love-hate ko manood ng mga ganitong movie, masaya pero pagkatapos malungkot. Tama yung sinabi mo, parang may kulang. O nakakainggit. Ewan!

    • Kahit mahilig din ako sa old Hollywood romance, hindi nga ako madalas naiiyak sa ganitong mga pelikula pero, ewan ko, siguro talagang gusto ko silang dalawa ni Cary Grant at Deborah Kerr. Parehas na kaya kong tiisin; madalas nakakainis lang yung magpartner, haha. O di kaya, naiyak na rin ako sa mga nangyayari sa akin ngayon. Ewan :P.

  4. Talk.

    I’ll listen.

    Really.

    (And yes, I did read through ALL of it. And each thought hit me like a punch to my solar plexus. I can say that I am familiar with your pain, but I cannot say that I understand or that I know what you’re going through. I won’t say anything trite as well. If you need someone to listen, I’ll gladly take the position.)

    • Thanks for reading all of it. Listening, or in this case reading, is enough. Virtual hug? No? Hahaha, I kid :P.

      It really did feel good to cry after watching that film. I can’t seem to cry even when I want to. I am not capable of crying on my own time, I guess, even when tough gets tougher.

      Now that I was able to express that even if it’s only through words, I feel better and shall go back to my angsty moods and awesome style of writing :P.


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