The Guidelines to the World of Homos for Hetero Dummies

February 12, 2010 at 5:31 pm | Posted in Heterophobia | 7 Comments

Take it from the gay guy, not from that scientist or preacher.

Before reading this, you should note that this is as authentic as the Bible. There should be absolutely no dispute as to its credibility for all of the things stated here are facts, without any doubts. This is the absolute truth. And since Nicolo, an acquaintance of mine, stubbornly believes that Christianity, and all the aspects and beliefs that come with it, is the absolute truth and that the possibility that the beliefs of any of the other religions and schools of thought might be the actual truth has never crossed his very “open-minded” mind, I am going to be stubborn and obnoxious as well.

If you say that the Bible has God, Jesus and a lot of eyewitnesses (who are all not of this world anymore) to prove the authenticity of the Bible, I have all of the gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transexuals to back me up on this one so beat that. So, these guidelines should be followed the way you follow the Ten Commandments. Just to let you know, as much as I hate to admit it, mathematics is probably the only study/practice in this world that has the absolute truth. There is no uncertainty about it.

And for the record, I am not asking for your sympathy and pity. I don’t need that. Please. If I needed that, I could have just gone and cried my heart out at a corner of my room. I just need your understanding, that’s all.

Now, let’s get to the point, you ignorant fools.

1. We do not choose to be gay. Most of us were all raised by heterosexual parents. We were also raised in a heterocentric, patriarchal, oppressive and conservative environment. All of the work comes from within. It all started from childbirth, it’s already engraved in our genes, and it becomes prominent either during childhood or during adolescene as one undergoes puberty. Personally, I already noticed it when I was still a kid. I just didn’t know how to define it since most parents are not eager to talk about it with their children as if it could go away if they didn’t talk about it. How could we have chosen to be gay in this oppressive environment when we already knew about our homosexuality at a point of our life when we still had no word or definition for it?

2. No one can suddenly turn gay. My hetero friends seem to have this fear that their boyfriends will suddenly turn gay just because they seem to do some stuff that women or gay men usually do and that “real men” don’t take a habit of doing. Sometimes, they just joke about it but you know what they say, jokes are usually half-meant. Your sexual identity cannot be changed, altered or converted at will. We are not mutants with superhuman abilities, for crying out loud.

3. The same goes with homosexuals; we can not be converted. Don’t try to fix us; we’re not broken. So, religious fanatics, your interventions and conversion therapies are a waste of time and effort in your part, your efforts are all in vain, not to mention that those people you try to convert lose all their self-confidence and any kind of belief in themselves as well as their faith on their loved ones who intervened. Sure, some can choose to wussy out by choosing the heterosexual lifestyle and marrying one of the opposite sex but they can’t still change their feelings and self-identity. It’s their choice; I can’t do anything about it. But, huh, they’re only fooling themselves. They will still later try to seek intimacy with people of the same sex while still trying to deny their homosexuality.

4. Kissing, hugging or having any acts of sexual intimacy with a person of the same sex doesn’t quickly mean you are gay or bi. There is this thing called experimentation. It’s experimentation when you do it in parties or other social gatherings among friends to please them. Having sex with a person or more of the same sex also doesn’t mean you’re gay or bi. There are also things called prostitution and exploitation. Men and women are usually forced to be hustlers (for reasons such as unemployment, easy money, lack of jobs, etc.) and they might choose to service particuarly people of their same sex, for their convenience, or might be forced to do some things out of their will. Women in straight porn are usually exploited and forced to have sex with other women, whether they are straight or not, for the pleasures of our thick-headed heterosexual men. Of course, they are not enjoying it, they’re having fake orgasms, for goodness’ sake.

5. Not all gay couples fall to the stereotype of masculine/feminine, butch/femme and top/bottom in same-sex relationships. You could argue that I’ve never been in a relationship before so how would I know? True, but who would you believe: someone who’s been raised in mainstream entertainment with limited images and representations of gay people or someone whose images of gay people are not only from pop culture but also from underground culture and other forms of art and schools of thought? Of course, the answer is the latter. If you still think of relationships in which one must be the dominant one and the other must be passive, you must still be living in the primitive ages, you fucking excuse for a human being. A child also doesn’t necessarily need both a mother figure and a father figure. A lot of children live with single parents, and they don’t end up being mentally disturbed when they grow up.

6. We are not here for your amusement and your entertainment. I will never forget what I heard from someone I personally know. “I love the gays,” she said. “They are so funny. They always make me laugh and are really fun to be with.” Of course, I am obviously paraphrasing. But you get the point. And whoever said that, you know who you are. Iha, you must be thinking about the likes of Allan K., Arnel Ignacio, and Boy Abunda. And I bet, you don’t know that many gay people in your life. I think you’re laughing AT them, not WITH them. Some of them can be pretty corny at times to me; I think you’re laughing more on their body gestures and movements. And not all of us gays have a great sense of humor. Some can really be as uninteresting, dumb and bland as hell. Don’t talk as if you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’ve seen you guys laugh at other effeminate gay men behind their backs.

And think about it, most gay or lesbian people that heteros seem to really admire and love are the comedians and entertainers: Ellen Degeneres, Trevor Boris, Freddie Mercury, etc. And not many of them would admire or even know about the gay/lesbian playwrights, authors, artists, directors, actors, politicians, etc., not even the well-known ones. Oscar Wilde, Langston Hughes, Virginia Woolf, Pedro Almodovar, anyone? But that’s more due to the philistinic ways of people.

7. Not all gay people are promiscuous or perverted. I know I am perverted but not all are. We don’t think about men/women or sex all the time, just like you straights. We don’t hump every hot guy we encounter. We are not all sex machines. Even though some of us may be into extreme sexual activities such as sadomasochism, watersports and fisting (if you want to know what these terms mean, search for their definitions at your own discretion and don’t blame me) and may have strange fetishes as well, we are also capable of doing sex the natural way, through penetration, you dumbass. And, please, heterosexuals also have more fucked-up and more degrading fetishes and fantasies than we do. We are also capable of affection, nurturing and caring, no matter how sappy this might sound coming from me. And some of us just prefer doing it the typical way. Some really just prefer the lifestyle of marrying and committing to just one person.

8. And for you curious and naive people, gay people have anal sex and lesbians use dildos and other penetrative sex toys. At least, that’s the normal way to do it because we can be very flexible, haha. If you think that that’s disgusting, then you must be either sexually repressed, plain afraid of sex or just fooling yourself. I bet, you straight men sometimes like to take it up the ass. You just can’t admit it outside the bedroom. If you think I shouldn’t have covered this topic, then why do a lot of people I know always ask me about this as they giggle and act like innocent children?

9. A gay person can be almost anyone you know. So, you shouldn’t be that shocked to find out that someone in your workplace, school or even your home turns out to be gay. Some might still be in the closet, and you should just make it easier for her because she might be in the process of coming out. You don’t know shit on how hard it is to come out. Always be gay-friendly and don’t use any homophobic terms. The slurs “fag” and “dyke” are no-no’s, unless used in friendly and endearing terms, which is rarely the case. Even though I can be very profane and use cusswords all the time, I never resort to homophobic, sexist, or racist slurs. No one likes being called sexist/racist/homophobic names, unless you’re really fucked-up.

Don’t assume that a masculine man is straight or that a feminine woman is straight as well. Don’t assume that everyone you know is heterosexual. You never know when you might actually be offending or alienating someone.

10. The term gay shouldn’t be used to mean something that is lame or tacky, something of poor or bad taste. Using the word incorrectly is in itself of purely bad taste. Unless you want someone else to coin the term “hetero” and use it to define something that is very typical, bland and average. I should do that because using the word gay to mean something tacky is really so hetero of you.

11. We don’t expect to be treated specially. We expect you to treat us equally. It is the human thing to do. If you say you tolerate us, then why do you expect us to do what we do in our own private homes? If you say you accept us for who we are, why can’t we show our true selves publicly? If you yourself can publicly display your affection towards your loved one, completely devouring each other’s mouths as if you haven’t eaten yet, why can’t we do the same without you expressing your disapproval and disgust? If this is the way it should be, you must keep your heterosexual ways to yourselves and try to get a room as well.

You can’t also blame us for wanting more images and representations of gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transexuals in the media and pop culture. Sure, sometimes we might whine about the stereotypical portrayal of LGBT people in the mainstream media but we won’t stop whining until you think of us more as people and less as caricatures and cardboard cutouts.

12. We don’t have similar interests and beliefs. Any similarity ends with the fact that we like people of the same sex. Period. Again, you must stop thinking of us in stereotypes. Not all of us are into fashion or fashionable. Superficial. Not all love shopping. Puke. Not all of us are party-goers. Dork. Not all lesbians are feminists, and not all feminists are lesbians. You, pig. Wanting to be in equal terms with men and trying to get rid of patriarchy and misogyny don’t mean one is a man-hating lesbian.

I mention this because someone has asked me before why do I love cinema and queer cinema when other gay people don’t give a damn about that. And this is my answer to him. My interests have no direct correlation to my sexuality, and vice versa.

13. And yes, Neil Patrick Harris is gay. Flamin’ hot.

Despite what I might have said earlier, I am really open to comments, arguments and debates. I was just trying to get my point across and to annoy people who seem to believe that what they believe is the absolute truth and that anything else is not a possibility at all.



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    I love how sarcastic you were. I know sarcasm doesn’t travel well over the internet but, ohhhhh, I felt it. 😛

    1. That’s what most people don’t understand so they try and give this ‘cross over’ therapy to gay men and women. I think that was invented by Christians. But that’s just a speculation. 😀

    You watch straight porn? Haha. Tawa nalang ako. 😛

    Freddie Mercury was gay? I didn’t know that.

    • No, I actually made this as an indirect response to people who keep coming up with the most stupid comments about homosexuality, or sexuality in general. But indeed, Nicolo’s stubborness was one of the factors.

      Yes, unfortunately I have. But for the men, of course, even though most of them are such chauvinistic pigs. That’s a turn-off and a no-no to me so I go mostly for gay porn. Too much detail? Get used to it, :P.

      And if you’re still thinking about it, I don’t jerk off to women. I never have, okay? 😛

  2. oh. barney.

    • I’m guessing from this comment of yours that you think my post was such baloney?

      Care to at least explain your thoughts? I am not a fan of ambiguity :(.

      • ahm. no. neil patrick harris. he play’s barney in how i met your mother.

      • Oh, I am such a loser XD, hahaha. Sorry, it’s just that I don’t watch How I Met Your Mother. I know he’s in that show but I had no idea of his character’s name.

      • oh. i thought you do.

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