Excuses, excuses.

February 7, 2010 at 1:13 am | Posted in Angst | 2 Comments

It’s my final semester for the Accounting college program I’m in, and I am still fucking wondering why I am still in this course and refuse to pursue a career that I’m really interested in. Whenever I think of doing something else, I quickly assume that those careers don’t have any certainties or security. I guess I’m such a wuss that I don’t even attemptย  taking risks to do what I really want to in life. I always try to outweigh the advantages and disadvantages and come up with excuses as I still end up thinking that maybe I’m better off where I am right now even though I don’t find business or finances interesting at all.

Excuses, excuses. I am a slacker and hate studying. And I wouldn’t even touch my books before exams, not even with a ten-foot pole. That’s why I thought maybe I wasn’t up for university school. Maybe, I have a chance with this guy I usually am with in my class. Or, maybe not, as he seems to be as straight as an arrow and I am just wasting my time with him. Fuck. I think that if I do take film studies and journalism/literature as my majors, maybe I won’t end up being what I dream to be: a film critic. That my vocabulary is limited (which it really is) and that I do need to catch up on some more novel-reading to actually enhance my writing and vocabulary skills. And if I do take psychology, I think that I might just end up at Human Resources, which to me would just be the same thing as ending up as an accountant. It’s my cynicism that usually does the reasoning for me.


Lately, I have been simply dissatisfied with everything. No, I don’t think it’s a state of depression or me wallowing in self-pity. It’s more like I seem to be missing something in my life. The void, that black hole in my life, seems to be getting bigger. I am usually pretty contented with what I have but now I don’t know, or, if I am feeling moody, I could easily amuse myself with human company, movies, etc. I can’t bring myself to enjoy most of the films that I have been watching lately. I can’t even talk passionately about stuff with my close friend and my sister. I am not even in the mood to post about it but I am still forcing myself as to express my thoughts in a more legal acceptable and less violent manner.

I really need to get out there and find that man I’ve been waiting for, for so long.


Last Wednesday was the first time I have ever purchased something online. And I was acting like a kid who just learned how to ride a bike (ironically, I learned how to ride a bike when I was 14…). And here I am, impatiently waiting for the DVD copies of Love and Death on Long Island and Awaara I bought at Amazon and eBay respectively, for the reasons that they are inaccessible and unavailable at most stores. If everything goes well and I receive these in a brand-new and perfectly well shape, I might just be tempted to buy more films I want to watch so badly that I can’t seem to find online or in other stores.

And is Ishtar really that bad that I can’t seem to get a hold of it, not even in its VHS format? I want to see it so badly due to the critic Jonathan Rosenbaum’s raves about it. And the sellers at eBay and Amazon seem to take advantage of the fact that it’s not that easy to get by selling it for big-ass prices.



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  1. My god you ARE in wordpress! I love eeeet! ๐Ÿ˜›

    And I thought you were one of those people who wouldn’t be afraid of taking risks. I mean, we both like being different. And being different can be very scary because we always have eyes on us. ๐Ÿ˜› A leap of fate. Maybe that’s what you need to remember. If it takes another 5 years or so, it would be worth it. As long as you know you’d be doing something you love in the future for the rest of your life. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Heeey, if you are in a country aside from the Philippines you would have a shot at having a job in a clinic or a mental institution if you took Psychology. And that is huge for me. Well, for me. ๐Ÿ˜›

    We all have to wait for someone. It’s so annoying how hard it is for gay men and women. Especially for gay men. Pft.


    • Yes, we are different. Yes, we pride ourselves from not joining the herd of the crowd. But I am such a coward that I can’t make risky decisions even if it possibly means ultimate happiness in the end.

      I doubt it’s easy as you think it is here as well. Of course, I have to deal with more competition, more international students (more intelligent ones). And I do need some kind of reassurance as having a student loan of more than 10 000 dollars can be problematic and difficult for me.

      I was supposed to do that 100 gayest moments in my life. But I couldn’t continue or add more after 10-20 moments. Hehe. I guess I haven’t had a lot of gay moments… yet. Hopefully, the time will come ๐Ÿ˜› :D.

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