Love, fear, apathy and anarchy

June 26, 2010 at 11:56 pm | Posted in Angst | 23 Comments

Peaceful protests turning into violent ones, protesters breaking glass windows and burning cars, police force creating the illusion of its omnipresence, people on both sides taking advantage of their power and/or freedom, bystanders watching everything with both indifference and amusement and taking pictures of the chaos while they’re at it, muddled ideas and beliefs, protests for countless causes and world problems, anarchists in the midst of all this chaos, minor disturbances and commotions taken way out of proportion due to panic and paranoia. This is downtown Toronto, during the G20 Summit.

Of course, despite my passionate hatred for all capitalist nations and my tendency to dwell on a multitude of issues, I’m nothing but a voyeur to all this. And as I do work in the downtown area and had the unfortunate luck of having work shifts yesterday and today during the G20 Summit, I am just a block or two away from the protests and disturbances.

Yesterday, the mall’s fire alarm rang and all of us were asked to evacuate the mall. And, as usual, what really happened is obscured from all the rumors you hear from the others but I’m betting, people are getting a just bit too panicky about all this, that’s all. And just earlier today, the mall was locked down and people at first were told to stay inside until the commotion around the area was done, and I was forced to only work for less than 2 hours as all the shops were asked to shut down for the day.

Of course, some people get all too panicky, paranoid and scared about all this while I just silently watch peace in this town of ours slowly turn to pandemonium, and I heard some who wanted to see more of what they referred to as action and wished to see the police aggressively beat the protesters, out of their thirst for blood and sheer amusement in violence. Quite appalling, if you ask me.

Knowing how the media can be two-faced and one-sided and can hardly be considered as impartial, I am not going to even argue which side, the police force or the protesters, started the disturbances and the acts of violence. It could possibly be provocations on either side, protesters’ annoyance at the prevalent and domineering police force, protesters resorting to violence for the belief that these world leaders are not hearing them out, the police force’s abuse of their power, bystanders trying to cause scenes, or simply just anarchists who merely want to break the peace.

Oohhh, I’m getting all worked up and frustrated over something I have no control of. Now, in order to calm myself down a bit and forget all this for a bit, I’ll just laugh my head off to this, something completely unrelated:


Vroom. VROOOOOOOOMMING.

Don’t bring around a cloud to rain on my parade

June 24, 2010 at 11:55 pm | Posted in Doki Doki | 28 Comments

Okay, I can’t keep this to myself any longer. I wanted to keep this a secret at first but I got to thinking that we’re not exactly doing anything wrong. If this were to be a different case, something that has happened the way it normally does, I would have posted about it in my blog in a heartbeat, as soon as I said yes. But that is not the case. And I wouldn’t say that I’m happy about how much I have changed over these past few weeks, but at least I can say that I’m happy about what we have.

Yes, I have a boyfriend. The only problem is, the whole thing’s online.

I know what you’re thinking; I can already see the nasty expressions, those raised eyebrows, those eyes twirling about, those malicious smirks, of yours. Well, let me get your hands on you and I’mma poke you in the eye and erase that silly grimace off your face.

He’s all mine, baby. And, I know, this might not be the conventional and normal way to meet a person, especially one whom you feel attracted to and whom you possibly hope of spending the rest of your life with but I have never been into following social norms, conformity. And being the socially awkward person that I am, maybe meeting someone online have been all along the best way for me to meet someone else, especially in this time and age where almost everyone puts too much importance on making everything easily accessible and upgrading almost everything instead of on real human progress. Wait, I’m ranting again, hehe. And I never did like the gay social scene, or any other social scene or gathering for that matter, not that I don’t want to try it anytime sooner. But it just feels so impersonal to me.

And we’re going to have to put it in the record that, yes, he was the one who stalked me. Not in a maniacal and obsessive sort of way, of course, but just the way one does when one seems to be interested in another. A bit creepy at first for me, I admit, but now he seems to be sincere and sweet, despite his initially creepy methods of pursuing me.

I can’t help feeling I’m becoming sappy and mushy, exactly what I was afraid of turning into when I start entering a relationship. Yes, that must be what I’ve become during these past few weeks but don’t think that you’ve finally gotten rid of my stubbornness, bluntness, cockiness and all those oh-so-lovable traits of mine altogether at all. They’re still here to stay.

Common sexual perversions aside, we have absolutely nothing in common but you know what they say, opposites attract. Okay, we’re of the same sex, but that’s not what I meant, you idiot. But we can easily set aside these differences and find some common ground. I can be the snobbish and cranky kind, while he can be the jealous and demanding type but we’re manageable. We only get to talk to each other online or through voice calls but I almost feel like I’ve known him for a lifetime. And I feel that I can be open with him and share and do things with him that I won’t be able to do comfortably with someone else I’ve actually known in real life for years.

It’s scary, this kind of thing. The uncertainty. You just have to trust the other. You just have to wait. All this time you put into it, you hope it won’t be of any waste at all. A lot say, long-distance and/or online relationships don’t work. Even I used to say that myself, due to the impracticality and the obvious lack of physical contact. And I know it’s too early to say this, but we can make it through. This is what we have now, and, although this may be a bit pathetic to some, I don’t think I’ve ever been this pleased in my life before.

And, yes, I’m looking at you, John Vincent “Jayvie” Distor :D =O.

WHY I am a feminist

June 17, 2010 at 2:53 pm | Posted in Epic | 24 Comments

In the documentary film, Sick: The Life and Death of Bob Flanagan, Supermasochist, Bob Flanagan recites a poem he wrote on why he is a masochist. I’m doing the same thing but my version’s on why I am a feminist. Although it might not be as lyrical and creative as his, this will do for now.

*****

Because I’m gay. Because I love women. Because of Greek goddesses. Because of amazons. Because dominatrixes are hot. Because feminists are not man-hating lesbians. Because of the 1960′s civil rights movements. Because of subversion. Because of female novelists. Because of Joan of Arc. Because of Katharine Hepburn, Joan Crawford, Barbra Streisand and all other gay icons. Because I can think for myself. Because I know what’s right from what’s not. Because I demand equality and respect for everyone. Because we need to conquer all differences, whether it be in class, race, gender, and sexual orientation.

Because of this patriarchal world of ours. Because of double standards. Because of social expectations. Because of oppression, stereotyping, treating women as sex objects. Because of the male gaze. Because of crude sexist jokes. Because of conservatism, chastity belts and abstinence. Because of tyrannical, white men that have ruled this world for centuries. Because of witch hunts. Because of Sigmund Freud. Because of social apathy. Because of indifference. Because of Marilyn Monroe and the salivating men she has on her command. Because of misogynistic hiphop videos. Because of women pretending to be bisexual, when they’re actually not. Because of men’s continuous exploits of women.

Because of the way people refer to women as either “bitches”, “whores” or “sluts”. Because of the phrase “Bros before hos”. Because of the phrase “That’s what she said”. Because of MFF threesomes. Because of degrading straight porn. Because of debasing male fantasies. Because men are unwilling to debase themselves. Because men are unwilling to eat their own love juice. Because of how everyone romanticizes the pimping lifestyle. Because of the glorification of Tiger Woods. Because of the way people talk of other people’s mothers. Because of the blatant misogyny in mainstream entertainment. Because of USA’s huge influence on people all over the world. Because of human ignorance. Because of Japan’s attitude towards sex. Because of the lolita complex. Because of tentacle sex.

Because society continues to oppress and repress its women. Because of people’s expectations of what you should be like if you are a woman or a man. Because a woman is called a “slut”, if she’s promiscuous but a man is called a “stud”, if he does the same. Because men use the fact that they are men as an excuse for their bad behaviour. Because women are more forgiving than men. Because they say blue is for a boy, pink is for a girl. Because of man-created myths about women. Because women are not complicated mysteries, once you get to know one.

Because we need more real female role models. Because I am strong. Because we are strong. Because I am frustrated. Because I want change. Because no one else seems to care. Because no one else seems to be angry about this. Because, at this time and age, no one else seems to understand the plight of women, what women face and go through, around the world.

Because of my mother. Because of my sister. Because of my female friends. Because of kind and caring mothers. Because of saints. Because of transexuals. Because of lesbians. Because of grandmothers. Because of womanhood. Because of womanly instincts. Because of a woman’s devotion, compassion and understanding. Because of a woman’s intelligence, strength and limitless capabilities. Because of the comfort in confiding to a woman your secrets, admitting to a woman your sins and sharing to a woman all your problems. Because all of us came from a woman’s womb. Because I understand. Because I live, you live, we love.

Forest for the Trees

June 14, 2010 at 1:09 am | Posted in Melancholia | 14 Comments

Wow, a lot of things have happened this week, something that’s usually done in a process of weeks, months or even years just happened in a matter of a week, and I just might need to find some time to fully absorb it. And I love it. Now, I’ll definitely have no time for anything else besides what I’m already tied up with, part-time work and gym.

I am going to deal with life just the way the heroine in the German film Forest for the Trees, Melanie, decides to deal with hers in the end, by figuratively letting the car she’s been driving take its course by itself and moving from the driver’s seat to one of the backseats. I was half-expecting for the ending to be something tragic and poetic at the same time but, instead, everything’s all serene once she’s decided that she shouldn’t take too much control of her life anymore. She now feels a whole lot better, and everything for the moment seem to be in place. The ambiguous ending can also be simply interpreted as Eva’s suicide, but I don’t think this is the case as there is no sense of tragedy when she decides to step into the backseat.

Poor Melanie. I just want to give you a hug. You deserve a hug and lots more :( .

Prior to the ending, Melanie tries so hard to adjust to the new community she’s in. Being by herself and this being her first time on her job as a teacher, she tries so hard to get the students’ attention, make friends with her neighbor, and do her best as a teacher. But things don’t go the way she wants them to. The students bully her and treat her badly, her neighbor, whom she stubbornly wants to be friends with, doesn’t want her companionship or friendship and doesn’t want to harshly break it in to Eva, and her fellow teachers think of her, how she deals with her students, as an utter mess. Whenever Eva means well, her actions are perceived to be of malicious intent, and we, the audience, can’t help wanting her to do better in the harsh game of life but the filmmakers don’t want to give us that, they want to show the harsh realities. Eva’s socially awkward and lonely. She can be a bit pathetic and strange, sometimes. But she’s only human, like the rest of us. We’ve had our share of her moments.

Sure, in real life, if she were to go away from the driver’s seat and stop controlling the car, the car would move all haywire along the road and eventually hit something else and she would suffer a fatal crash. But in the film, the car still goes smoothly, taking her wherever the path takes her to.

So, I shall just let life take its flow, taking a few risky decisions along the run but never really trying so hard to take control of it or take charge as we have to realize we have no power over life itself, over our own environment. The best we can do is, sit back and relax, let everything take its course on its right time, deal with it when tough gets tougher, and don’t dwell too much on what’s been done and what can’t be undone.

Twinks, bodybuilder freaks and machine gun bras

June 9, 2010 at 9:54 pm | Posted in Whining | 27 Comments

I just noticed that we can “like” posts in WordPress as well. Eww, even WordPress has that “like” option now. And I accidentally “liked” my previous post, out of curiosity. The professional look that WordPress was trying to maintain for itself has now just gone down the drain.

I’ve started going out to the gym. Like I said, I’m trying to get out of my comfort zone, step by step. And just a few hours ago, I attended this cycling session. And I must tell you that that must have been what it feels like to be in the scorching flames of hell. My whole body, particularly my legs, was burning, and I was sweating buckets. Not even halfway through, I couldn’t even exert any real effort. And I think the instructor kept glancing at me everytime I slowed down or did something wrong so I had to at least do what I could. I just wanted to give up, I was just beside the door, but I didn’t want to suddenly storm out or seem like a quitter. I seriously wanted to kiss the floor once we were all done and doing the warm-up exercises.

But at least, that was over. And I’m going to say that I won’t be trying that cycling session anytime sooner even though I did sweat like there was no tomorrow and probably burned more fats than I normally would just using the other gym equipment.

Okay, okay, I’m not going to go stereotype all the people other than me working out at the gym by saying that they’re all dumb and shit with nothing in their heads to go with their brawny bodies but I just saw one of those bodybuilder freaks at the men’s change room, flexing his muscles and gazing at himself in the mirror. Eww, and he’s just too vain. I just wanted to push him towards the floor while he was doing slow push-ups. My gosh, there’s such a thing as too much muscles. The sight was so scary that I tried not to look at him on the face or something, not to mention that he was on the way of people entering and going out the change room. I’d like to believe that he is dumb as hell; that way, the world would make much more sense.

And I shall try not to faint at the sight of well-built, white twinks, all naked at the dressing room. Ooh. But, at least, that’s quite a refreshing change from the old geezers and buggers at the change room. And why must the old, wrinkly men always go full frontal while changing at the locker room? Ugh, those flabby stomachs and tiny pricks, hide those hideous things, haha. Just mentioning it makes me cringe and shiver.

P.S.: Lady GaGa’s new music video of Alejandro is what reciprocated love must feel like. Gay men sporting coconut-like haircuts and pseudo-Nazi uniforms dancing and oozing sex, Lady GaGa as a dominatrix and a sexy nun, the machine gun bra, and the dance moves, oh yeah. Lady GaGa’s also the only pop singer who acknowledges the presence of her huge gay fanbase, I’ll tell you that.

Infatuation follows a certain blueprint?

June 8, 2010 at 12:14 am | Posted in Heterophobia, Sarcasm | 22 Comments

Two nights ago, I’ve been able to get myself to attend at an acquaintance’s party. Acquaintance, not friend, we’re not that close. I never usually go to social gatherings. I’m socially awkward, if you must know. As much as possible, I try to avoid going to social gatherings and come up with the oldest excuses known to humankind or just plainly say the next day “I was feeling too lazy”, which is usually not the case.

And of course, I got to see old faces, people I haven’t seen in ages. And, you know, there’s the obligatory small talk, asking me what I’ve been doing lately. I don’t ask back, most of the time, afraid that the conversation will lead to more awkwardness or something else. Sometimes, I’m compelled to answer; sometimes I just shyly say “Oh, nothing much.” And then one, with all of his best intentions in mind I guess, asked me if I was still single. You see, I’m pathetically one of the very few who hasn’t still been in a relationship yet and pretty much the only gay person in our huge circle of friends back in high school. How that is possible perplexes me. Wait, we do have a lesbian friend but she’s obviously not a potential partner for me and now provinces away, haha.

And, of course, I sadly shook my head. In their heads, they think it’s my lack of social skills; in my own, I say it’s my eccentricities, unreasonably high standards and destiny’s hatred towards me. And then they started asking me what type of guy am I into or do I like and getting me to try hook-ups with other gay guys they know. Um, if you’re going to hook me up with someone, please let him be cute, at least. I couldn’t answer back and just laughed it off. I was thinking at the moment, what kind of guy did I really want? I mean, I was never specific even back then and my crushes didn’t exactly follow a certain blueprint or pattern. They really got me into thinking, haha. My only answer to them was that I liked my men geeky. Vague, much?

Now since I have no real idea myself, I shall create a blueprint for what kind of men I like. This shall now be a guide on future prospects for myself.

When they ask me of what ethnicities do I have the hots for, I usually say any men of any kind as long as they are hot. But the truth is, I have a thing for fellow Filipinos, Indians, and white men, specifically Italians… as long as they are hot. Haha, quick disclaimer. But, of course, that’s only a generalization. You never know, right? Wink, wink.

And my men shall be opinionated about all kinds of stuff. Don’t have to agree with me, as long as they know what they’re talking about. Yuppie capitalist scum are never a consideration, even if they possess such heavenly bodies. My men shall be a bit smarter than I am. Not too smart, or I might consider them as adversaries, rivals, competition. I don’t care much about their line of work or their annual salary and it doesn’t matter whether he would make more than I would but he shouldn’t be too committed to his work. Work is only a means to an end, despite your passion and devotion for it. And they shall know how to cook; I don’t want them to be like some people I know who are already husbands. Manigas nga sila; palamunin lang sila ng mga asawa nila. And my men shall teach me how to cook, while they’re at it, haha.

They shall be into some geeky stuff like films, sci-fi, graphic novels, superheroes, cool video games, comics, etc. You name it. But, at the same time, they shall be mature. They shall not be shopaholics or people who care too much about their own looks and clothing but, at the same time, they should know how to dress themselves nicely. And if I find out they obsessively collect shoes and/or bags, I’m outta there, haha. That’s just what I need, another one like my mom. They shall be good conversationalists and be able to talk about anything under the sun so we’ll never run out of anything to talk about. And they shall be good at sex and be up for anything. You’ll never know what goes inside my head, when it comes to stuff like that, haha.

Bow.

Um, Chris, good luck on finding that man, with those unreasonable standards of yours. No wonder, you’re such a loser still single.

Go, Go, Second Time Student

June 2, 2010 at 11:19 am | Posted in Self-importance | 22 Comments

“Yet a fear remained, which for all his clarity of mind he could not yet examine. He knew it was there. He felt his presence as surely as one feels the menace of a nearby flame; yet he could not turn to it and acknowledge it.”

(Cry to Heaven by Anne Rice)

In plain English, I’m scared shitless.

I don’t know what having no shit has to do with being frightened, the phrase really makes no sense, but I guess that’s the only way to express how extremely scared I am. For the future, that is.

I’ve just been accepted to University of Toronto. That’s what I call skills, boy. Haha. Hopefully, they were impressed by my grades. But being the cynical and realistic person that I am, I’m guessing that they have lowered their standards just so they can fill in the empty spots in the program. But this is great, since I can just easily get to school on a bike. And if I walked, it would probably only take me about 30 minutes. Sayonara, unreliable public transportation.

This means we’re now going to take it more seriously, from here on, kiddo. Now you listen, you have to reduce the number of films you watch in a week. From about 15 films a week to 2-3 films a week. I know that’s eventually going to drive you nuts especially from the tons of reading and studying you’ll be doing, but you’re also going to have to fit in exercise, blogging, reading novels, and part-time work in your tight schedule. So much for my almost non-existent social life. So Chris, you’ll probably be a mental case by the end of the school year then. But that’s okay, at least you’ll have satisfactory grades?

We’re entering a more competitive environment this time; I can already feel the almost wildlife-like atmosphere at the university, people preying on one another, leeching on another for selfish interests, and doing everything to get the juicy prey, the job, the reward. Not that this is any different from a community college, but this time we’re dealing with more ambitious people and people who actually have the brains. You heard me.

I never liked uncertainty. That’s why I probably chose something more practical before. How foolish I was back then. My past self has failed to realize that I can’t stomach being in an office all day long, working on the computer, with a bunch of yuppies and capitalists for workmates. I can’t imagine being a slave to this capitalist system of ours. And for a measly amount of $10.50-$16.00 / hour. No thank you. To hell with it, I am just going to be a psychologist, with a majority of upper-class and bourgeoisie clients, and blame their unhappiness, dissatisfaction in life and feelings of having no purpose to their consumerist habits, willingness to accept everything for what it is without questioning it, and the hellish impact of mainstream culture and capitalist propaganda on their lives and their puny heads. Bohahahaha.

We’re entering unfamiliar territory now. Prepare yourself for those tyrannical teachers and megalomaniac students who will look down on you. They’ll be torturing you not physically but with their fake smiles, annoying small talk and unyielding conformity to social norms. We’re putting in a lot of money here, and the student loans are just going to accumulate year by year, not to mention the fiendish interests. And you don’t even like owing someone any amount of money for a long period of time. No more tomfoolery. You have already gotten rid of the idea that maybe you might have some creative inclinations in you for the possibilities of pursuing something like journalism and film studies. You just don’t. You weren’t given at least that. It’s not practical, what you’re pursuing. It requires more effort, wait, even twice the work for you since English is still not a language you’ve fully mastered. But you can’t imagine yourself doing anything else. If it means a lot of questioning and hesitations from almost everyone else you know, so be it. We’ll make it.

Go, go, second time virgin student.

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